I have begun a list of job descriptions for some of the leadership roles we have been studying in Church Government class:
- Deacons—These are church members who never attend services unless they are called in advance and notified that they will be needed to serve communion. You need at least 80 of these to ensure that you will have 6 or 8 in attendance on Sunday morning. Otherwise you may have to call upon active churchgoers to serve in their place. This would be a great tragedy, because once you make deacons of them, you will not likely see them again.
- Elders—These are church members who never miss a service and who hate the pastor, the youth minister, the music minister, the secretary, the church, and everyone in it. Their job is to hold regular secret meetings to exchange malicious gossip and character assassinate anyone who is not present, in the guise of prayer concerns.
- Pastor—The pastor preaches sermons and presides over weddings and funerals. At all other times he should be careful to hide from other staff and church members, and especially from elders.
- Bishop—A bishop is a pastor who has wrecked so many churches that he has been moved into a position where he can do no further damage. As bishop, the only potential harm he could now to is to pastors, who are adept at hiding anyway.
- Youth Minister—In order to ensure that there can be no suspicion of impropriety, the youth minister should at all times avoid any association with persons under the age of 18.
- Music Minister—the music minister’s task is to locate and select those songs which will be most offensive to the congregation and most tedious to those who must perform them. Under no circumstances shall musicians be allowed to play instruments which are in tune.
- Secretary—Not really a leadership role, but a vital one, the secretary’s primary duty is to ensure that the pastor cannot be contacted by staff or church members, and especially by elders or bishops. The secretary also serves as central repository and distribution hub for malicious gossip to be used at elders meetings, in the guise of prayer concerns.
This is by no means an exhaustive list. Feel free to add to it.
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