Russell A. Cardwell Online

In the news today: Rumor has it that the ACLU will be representing the Trix rabbit in a landmark discrimination suit. Sources say that this case will expose the dark side of the cereal industry and charges of rampant “anti-rabbit sentiment among the animated juvenile community.”

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The paper today was advertising a sale on Fish Oil.

I wanted to ask: Why would anyone buy Fish Oil?

As if fish were not slippery enough already . . . .

• Does Satan Tremble?
• Leave a Legacy
• What Ships are Built For

Web site statistics logs can be revealing. Take these search engine phrases I mined from the log. These are real phrases people have entered into search engines over the last month, all of which brought them to this site. Puzzling, amusing, disturbing sometimes . . .

• secretary’s role is to serve sayings — I prefer coffee. Office skills are useful, too.
• teresa of avila has no body on earth but ours — After 400 years, I should think not. (And I’m ranked #2 for this phrase. Go figure.)
• faith abraham russell — Not even close! But I’m working on it.
• begins love too much minute seconds happiness life — This is almost surreal. Is it Wuthering Heights: the Condensed Text Message Version? It’s almost a haiku. I may use this for the title of something.
• lord please smile upon me — This sounds desperate. Hope they found something that helped.
• fear and loathing in las vegas worship phrases — I’m trying to imagine what that worship service would be like.
• your destiny lies in a triangle — Hopefully not the Bermuda Triangle.
• thorn foot higher sound feet — I have no idea what this means.
• god speak through an ass — All too often, unfortunately.
• russel die without god — Sorry. Ain’t gonna happen.
• ritual to present requests to satan? — Disturbing. And why are you asking me? Besides, I think Satan is way too busy these days to take requests.
• will truck run without belt? — I’m afraid not.
• how to change a belt truck — 1) Remove engine from truck. 2) Install belt. 3) Replace engine. (Or call a tow truck.)

Even more mysterious are the single-word search queries. None of the words below appear anywhere on this site, yet search engines have sent people here using these search terms.

• hoodia — Sorry. Don’t have any. Try one of those online fake pharmacies. Of course their hoodia is fake, but most of the hoodia for sale is fake anyway.
• viagra — Don’t have it. See your doctor. Or see above.
• plymouth — Nope. Pontiac.
• porche —Don’t I wish? I’ll trade you a Pontiac for it. (That is, if it’s a Porsche, not a Porche.)

Anyway, there you have it. And you may thank or blame dustbury.com for the inspiration for this little exercise.

• Strange Search-engine Queries
• A Few Words
• God’s Word and God’s Works
• Half Full or Half Empty?
• Cluelessness: The Key to Freedom?

Surely I’m not the first person to notice this. The creation of Eve in John Milton’s Paradise Lost, differs from the brief account in Genesis 2. In fleshing out the story, Milton seems to have injected some irony.

The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
—Genesis 2:18

In Genesis, God simply made the observation that it would not be good to leave the man by himself, and promptly set about making a mate for him.

In Milton’s version, though (Book 8, starting at line 357), it is Adam who begs God to make a mate for him. God agrees, and creates Eve. After that, as we all know, things began to get complicated.

What Milton seems to imply is that the creation of Eve was not part of God’s original plan. Instead, it was Adam’s idea. The first man looked around at everything God had created for him, scratched his head, looked up, and said, “You know, God, this Paradise and stuff is really cool and all—(Great job, really. I love it! And no offense, if you know what I mean.)—but I have a suggestion on how you might improve it.” And God went along with it. In other words, immediately after God made him lord and possessor of “all the Earth . . . and all things that therein live,” Adam’s first act was to try to improve on God’s plan! (A trait which, unfortunately, we have all inherited.) And as he has done ever since, God’s response was, “If that’s what you really want. But don’t blame me—it’s your choice.”

So Milton seems to be saying that if Adam had left well enough alone, he wouldn’t have gotten into so much trouble.

Of course, I’m just speculating here. The real theologians can battle this one out. But maybe Milton was just fighting back, trying to give the man a fair break. After all, there’s another way to interpret Genesis 2:18: Some would argue that God realized it could be a bad idea to turn the man loose in Paradise unsupervised . . . .

I’m staying out of it.

• Jesus’ Friends
• Obedience and Favor
• Toothache and Nails
• Six Principles for Godly Choices
• Reading List 2007

Why_Paisley, with whom I share a birthday, pointed out a couple weeks ago that Prince also shares the same birthday. (I mean the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince.) The idea of Prince having a birthday had never occurred to me. I guess I had always assumed he was simply materialized by some alien intelligence.

At any rate, the remark prompted me to dig out my old Prince records. Anyone remember vinyl? I most often think of the stuff from Purple Rain, but I went back to listen to some of my pre-Purple Rain favorites that I had forgotten about. Like Little Red Corvette, and Delirious. But I was especially amused by 1999. You know, the party in 1999 was not nearly as much fun as it was in 1984 to “party like it’s 1999.” By the time 1999 finally came around, we were pretty much partied out.

Oh well. I guess it’s a good thing we all had the party early.

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The dentist visit terrified me much more than my visit to the cancer doctor did. Last week all he did was give me antibiotics. That brought the swelling down so I was able to work the Chrysalis. Yesterday he started giving me shots. I lost count after 16. Then he brought out a little white table and lined up a row of shiny pointy things on it. He got out a tray of router bits and left that beside them, then left the room. He was gone for about 20 minutes while the shots had their effect. The only thing for me to do is try not to stare at these devices he is evidently planning to use in my mouth. Meanwhile my whole face is going numb, including my eyelids. I have never had my eyelids go numb. I’ve never even heard of that! By the time he came back, my swallowing muscle was numb and wouldn’t work, and I was drooling, and I suspected I was having heart palpitations. Did I read somewhere that the numbing medicine causes heart attacks? It felt like I was having one. Altogether I spent two hours in the chair. Most of that time with two people having both hands and several pieces of equipment in my mouth at once. Then I slept for 12 hours recuperating. It was horrible. I could only eat soup and smoothies. My jaw was so sore, it was 24 hours before I could open my mouth wide enough to eat real food.

He asked why I hadn’t come in to the dentist for nearly 7 years. Duh!!

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